“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” – Warsan Shire
Happiness sometimes hits you the moment you’re driving somewhere, completely alone. The sun will be sitting against the horizon while lighting the world you call your present. The windows will be down and you feel the breeze against your skin – it reminds you that you’re alive.
Just the right song comes on the radio. You find yourself moving to the music and living against the words. You’re blooming in the moment of independence and you feel every bit of yourself growing more comfortable within your skin.
In these moments, I’m always reminded of the happiness that sits at the bottom of my heart. Sometimes it’s weighed down by heartbreak, by regret, by doubt, or anything that doesn’t feed the beats…
In the tranquility I no longer needed to reign in my emotions, I let down my guard and I felt exposed.
The pure joy and bliss I felt was simply washed away with the dread that imponded and pushed its way through my head.
“This isnt real”, “you dont deserve this”, “your heart should still be broken”…
Contorting away from him my body created a shield, trying to hold my grief away. Pressed up against his shoulder and the back seat the tears flowed uncontrollably. I couldnt speak. I couldnt reply. His questions radiated through my body and yet I couldnt let out a single word. Broken and afraid.
He was stunned, hurt that I couldn’t break down the wall and speak of how I felt. the world was crashing in on us and I could do nothing to prevent it. When life is breaking you down, do you hide away and wait for it to pass? Or do you reach out a hand asking for help?
I long for someone to reach out a hand to me. Though I have learnt to pick myself up.
It is safe to say that moment is permanently fixed in my memory. All the feelings still play out from time to time when I reminisce on that night. It was wonderful and yet tarnished by that one moment. One heart beat and it can all change.
In the backseat of the car I laid my head on his lap and fell to a light slumber. I felt safe. Comfort and an inner peace. Dreams of a distant future played through my head, I no longer felt restless. A calm breeze ran through my body from my spine to my limbs. Curled up in a ball I laid. Listening to his heart, his breathing fell into sync with mine. A pure feeling of belonging and an under current of bliss was in the air.
I dont know how long we were there, wrapped up in each other, limbs intertwined. His intoxicating cologne and my musk and spiced perfume. We were addicted to each others smell. Openly we knew it. No words were needed, we held onto that embrace. The world closed off around us.
That moment was bliss.
No words were needed.
The world was quiet, if for only a moment more.
Darkness began to fall, she could feel the clouds choking out the light as they rolled along the sky. Chasing the blue skies and covering the land with their density. She could feel it in her veins, her heart beat differently, a rhythm that drowned her body of energy, slowing down her breathe and her pulse.
Any change in the weather ignited a change in her. Every nuance or inflection of tone in her voice heralded to those around her that she was as temperamental as the sky. She was as ever changing as the wind and also a bright light under the glow of the moon.
When the sun found a hole through the barren clouds, relief would flow through her veins. She could see clearly, she could breathe without the weight on her chest and she could move without the anchor of eyes upon her. That subtle inkling towards a change in the weather and the light of the sun struggling to push through the darkness of the clouds, she felt it more stronger than she felt any other connection in her life.
Juliet was comfortable and used to the changes now, it wasn’t always that way. Her youth was wasted on mountains of tears and hatred as strong as the storms she fought through. For she could always sense the change in the sky before others saw the signs. She could smell the rain a mile off and she could always count on her instincts. Those instincts and that very connection was the only thing that grounded her.
As long as she lived she would be the closest embodiment of the earth. She would walk among the others, she would slip between them and show them one by one that the earth had a connection, that connection was her.