In the tranquility I no longer needed to reign in my emotions, I let down my guard and I felt exposed.
The pure joy and bliss I felt was simply washed away with the dread that imponded and pushed its way through my head.
“This isnt real”, “you dont deserve this”, “your heart should still be broken”…
Contorting away from him my body created a shield, trying to hold my grief away. Pressed up against his shoulder and the back seat the tears flowed uncontrollably. I couldnt speak. I couldnt reply. His questions radiated through my body and yet I couldnt let out a single word. Broken and afraid.
He was stunned, hurt that I couldn’t break down the wall and speak of how I felt. the world was crashing in on us and I could do nothing to prevent it. When life is breaking you down, do you hide away and wait for it to pass? Or do you reach out a hand asking for help?
I long for someone to reach out a hand to me. Though I have learnt to pick myself up.
It is safe to say that moment is permanently fixed in my memory. All the feelings still play out from time to time when I reminisce on that night. It was wonderful and yet tarnished by that one moment. One heart beat and it can all change.
In the backseat of the car I laid my head on his lap and fell to a light slumber. I felt safe. Comfort and an inner peace. Dreams of a distant future played through my head, I no longer felt restless. A calm breeze ran through my body from my spine to my limbs. Curled up in a ball I laid. Listening to his heart, his breathing fell into sync with mine. A pure feeling of belonging and an under current of bliss was in the air.
I dont know how long we were there, wrapped up in each other, limbs intertwined. His intoxicating cologne and my musk and spiced perfume. We were addicted to each others smell. Openly we knew it. No words were needed, we held onto that embrace. The world closed off around us.
That moment was bliss.
No words were needed.
The world was quiet, if for only a moment more.