“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” – Warsan Shire
Happiness sometimes hits you the moment you’re driving somewhere, completely alone. The sun will be sitting against the horizon while lighting the world you call your present. The windows will be down and you feel the breeze against your skin – it reminds you that you’re alive.
Just the right song comes on the radio. You find yourself moving to the music and living against the words. You’re blooming in the moment of independence and you feel every bit of yourself growing more comfortable within your skin.
In these moments, I’m always reminded of the happiness that sits at the bottom of my heart. Sometimes it’s weighed down by heartbreak, by regret, by doubt, or anything that doesn’t feed the beats…
Someday’s I just want to stay hidden under a cloud of sheets and pillows. Locked away where no one can find me. Closed off and alone, the isolation is easier to bear than the outside world.
Anxiety eats away at my confidence, it eats away at my strength and my character. Each morning on the surface I float, step outside or spend another day hidden away? Every day I feel the push and pull.
Only I can break the cycle. Take that step and leave my bed or spend another countless day watching it pass by.
I had an epiphany, it happened as I laid in bed fighting to fall asleep. How did it take so long?
I knew it all along, yet it only hit home in that one moment. That wasn’t the first time it had crossed my mind, I fought against it for years. I placed it under the bed, I buried it outside, I threw it out and did all I could to discredit its existence.
Why was it so hard for me to accept? Why did it take me so long?
It wasn’t an epiphany, it was my path to move forward.