“I am a lover without a lover. I am lovely and lonely and I belong deeply to myself.” – Warsan Shire
Happiness sometimes hits you the moment you’re driving somewhere, completely alone. The sun will be sitting against the horizon while lighting the world you call your present. The windows will be down and you feel the breeze against your skin – it reminds you that you’re alive.
Just the right song comes on the radio. You find yourself moving to the music and living against the words. You’re blooming in the moment of independence and you feel every bit of yourself growing more comfortable within your skin.
In these moments, I’m always reminded of the happiness that sits at the bottom of my heart. Sometimes it’s weighed down by heartbreak, by regret, by doubt, or anything that doesn’t feed the beats…
Someday’s I just want to stay hidden under a cloud of sheets and pillows. Locked away where no one can find me. Closed off and alone, the isolation is easier to bear than the outside world.
Anxiety eats away at my confidence, it eats away at my strength and my character. Each morning on the surface I float, step outside or spend another day hidden away? Every day I feel the push and pull.
Only I can break the cycle. Take that step and leave my bed or spend another countless day watching it pass by.
Darkness began to fall, she could feel the clouds choking out the light as they rolled along the sky. Chasing the blue skies and covering the land with their density. She could feel it in her veins, her heart beat differently, a rhythm that drowned her body of energy, slowing down her breathe and her pulse.
Any change in the weather ignited a change in her. Every nuance or inflection of tone in her voice heralded to those around her that she was as temperamental as the sky. She was as ever changing as the wind and also a bright light under the glow of the moon.
When the sun found a hole through the barren clouds, relief would flow through her veins. She could see clearly, she could breathe without the weight on her chest and she could move without the anchor of eyes upon her. That subtle inkling towards a change in the weather and the light of the sun struggling to push through the darkness of the clouds, she felt it more stronger than she felt any other connection in her life.
Juliet was comfortable and used to the changes now, it wasn’t always that way. Her youth was wasted on mountains of tears and hatred as strong as the storms she fought through. For she could always sense the change in the sky before others saw the signs. She could smell the rain a mile off and she could always count on her instincts. Those instincts and that very connection was the only thing that grounded her.
As long as she lived she would be the closest embodiment of the earth. She would walk among the others, she would slip between them and show them one by one that the earth had a connection, that connection was her.